Friday, 17 April 2009

Love Makes The World Go Round.

Many humans believe that love makes the world go round, but I always thought it was something to do with physics. Anyway I decided to investigate this crazy thing called 'love.'

Back home on my planet there is no such thing called love (or hate). Here on Earth love is apparently all around us, including everyones' fingertips and toes - according to a politician called Marti Pellow. I soon discovered that everybody is talking about love and it's everywhere - songs, pictures, newspapers, magazines, food, drink and even dead things. 

'Do it with love, send it with love, love thyself, show some love, love somebody, all you need is love, love conquers all, love dumplings...'

But where is it? It's everywhere, but I cannot see it. Maybe it's invisible, or maybe I have been blinded by love? I can't even find any free love, but maybe that was only about a few years ago when humans used to wear sweat bands and eat paper. I asked the people of Cheltenham if they knew where I could get, or see some love. The first woman told me to 'piss off,' whatever that meant, a man holding a spade told me to ask Angel on Filler Street, but the third person told me that it was in my heart. I feel confused by love, lost in the love labyrinth, but apparently I'm not alone and love is elusive to all those who seek it. 

After a few days searching for love, I still haven't actually found it. However, I have found many thousands of other people searching for love, also people (usually two at the same time) that say that they are 'in love,' but I don't understand what they mean by this. There are also many people walking around with invisible, but very heavy love rucksacks on their backs - these people have apparently been scarred by love, so I guess it can be dangerous too if it gets angry. 

So maybe love does make the world go round, it certainly seems to be a powerful gas, but I cannot be entirely sure as I still haven't found it yet, so maybe it doesn't actually exist at all. 

Maybe it's just a word, a magic word, which allows humans to become superhuman and give existence a meaning, much like spinach.

Saturday, 11 April 2009


Human beings are strange creatures; I mean why would any race choose to imprison themselves in a system that requires them to make money simply to survive? 

This planet is vast and beautiful, plentiful of food and water, forests and animals, yet most of the people are without food and water, in fact nearly 25% of the population have no clean water. I believe humans to be intelligent and innovative, but they are also like sheep. They just follow what's in front of them - in this case: capitalism. A system where most people are actually slaves - it sounds extreme, but it's true.

A person can degrade and wither if they do not have money, so to have money they have to work, sometimes in a job that they do not like. It seems strange to me that a person spends 50 years of their life working - for what? Old age?

This concept called 'work' is similar to their concept of time - a human model projected onto something to create order, yet it is simply a way to imprison themselves. I wonder how humans would react to the end of time; a world without clocks, deadlines, dates and appointments. I wonder how the world would be without money, a world where things are shared, even water and food. Even water and food - how bizarre, even water...

The human race is full of division - I wonder what event will bring people together onto the same team? Whatever it may be, it is approaching, so get ready for changes...

Monday, 6 April 2009

Customer Service

Businesses and other places that talk with money keep going on about 'good customer service,' so I decided to try and find some.

I wasn't sure where to start, so I went to the source of all knowledge: the information desk at Victoria coach station in London. 'Hello,' I said to the man wearing a bright yellow vest sat behind the counter. "Could I have some good customer service?"
He put down his sausage roll and said, "What can I do for you?"
I told him I wanted some good customer service, but he seemed confused and after five minutes  sat back down. 

As I was leaving the coach station I noticed an advert on the wall,  '' I did feel confused, so I decided to ring the phone number on the bottom of the poster. I was told it was a free number by a man wearing a cow skin jacket, whatever that meant, so I dialed the number in a telephone box. The telephone box was decorated with lots of colorful pictures of men and women requesting to be called, some of them must have been living in hot places as they didn't wear many clothes. I wondered if they knew about good customer service.

The number was ringing and a woman, who sounded like a robot from the planet Wood, started to ask me questions. When I tried to talk to her she didn't reply, but instead kept repeating herself - telling me to press one, or two, or three, or four... After five minutes of pressing buttons the lady stopped speaking and music started playing. I thought this was very beautiful and thoughtful. This is indeed good customer service - a free number to call and listen to music...

This didn't last though, as every 30 seconds the woman returned and told me that I was important to her or something. This was confusing and also destroying my listening pleasure: why play music if you're going to interrupt it every few seconds? After about one hour a man asked me what my name was. At first I didn't reply as I thought he was a robot like the woman, but after a while I knew he wasn't. 

"How are you today?"
Sorry to keep you waiting. Can I take your name?"
"My name is Conisholme."
"Unusual name sir."
"What's your name."
"Gary. So how can I help you sir?"
"What is 'sir'?"
"I'm Conisholme."
"Okay Conisholme. What can I do for you today?"
"I'd like some good customer service."
"I'm just going to put you on hold sir."

The music came back and lasted for 36 hours, but there were only four songs so I know them very well now. I thought about calling one of the hot people, but I suspect good customer service doesn't exist anymore and it's simply an old term from a time past. 

Customer service today, is a hollow world of empty smiles, greedy eyes and robot voices...

Monday, 2 March 2009

Pigeon Street

Pigeons rule the roost.

I have noticed that pigeons rule the world. They hold meetings in every city square all over the world. And why they are busy organizing 'coos' and the pecking order, their human servants fuss around them with food and drinks.

The pigeons don't seem to be fussy when it comes to food, but their human servants tend to feed them with bags of white stuff. I think it is cocaine. So the pigeons probably control the drug trade as well. This would make sense considering they are proper wired most of the time and dance about head butting the floor all day. 

I think the main pigeons (the heavies) are the ones with only one leg - they seem  a lot calmer than the rest, and I think it is a sign of bravery to have one leg. Some of the younger pigeons pretend they only have one leg to look hard, but they are simply hiding their other leg. 

There are also some really greasy looking pigeons that look like they have been dropped into a sewer, but I'm guessing they are in camouflage or working undercover. The drug trade is tough I guess.

The picture above is the head honcho: Dirt Feather. I think he is the 'Scarface' of the pigeon world. He leaves a trail of shit wherever he goes. Heavy.

I will make friends with the pigeons.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

What Creates Us, Can Also Kill Us.

I will use my alien wisdom and try to talk to you human beings. I heard about a person called Jade Goody today and wondered about reality television.

Jade Goody wasn't created by television, but television gave her an audience of millions and a bank balance to match. Jade didn't have any special talents, but became famous simply for being herself on a reality television show (in 1984) called Big Brother. 

Her picture has appeared in the Mirror and on the Sun a lot recently because she is dying of cancer. Yet, her path to death is being followed by a circus of newspapers and television channels. She has even hinted at the possibility of allowing television to record her death.

I feel sorry for Jade, she seems a lovely woman and is dying.

Yet I am confused about what is happening. Would humans really want to watch somebody dying on live television? Maybe, but what does this say about human beings? They seem to be very interested in watching each other; as if what they were watching is a reflection of themselves: a means to understand existence and the nature of oneself. Or maybe they are just mesmerized by the flashing lights and are too lazy to do anything else.

It reminds me about a fictional story called: The Truman Show. The story is about a man called Truman Burbank who lives in a fictional world on television. Truman, like Jade is owned by the viewers. It seems humans just want a virtual baby to look after, to reach out and love each other without being seen; to be a spectator of a living diary as somebody lives and dies. 

I think this is bad. By watching another person suffer on television, humans are distancing themselves from other people; instead they are watching a circus of simulation. It is the same with war: technology (tele-visual firing mechanisms) has made it akin to playing computer games when pilots fire real missiles at enemy targets. The suffering and meaning of death is lost behind the friendly interfaces and television screens. I feel humans are not as smart or as lovely as they think. I wonder how they would react if higher intelligence appeared one day? We all know the answer I fear. Humans are warmongers.

What can be learned about watching somebody die on television? Answer: don't watch television.

Television is literally the making and the breaking of this woman. It gave her an audience, sustained her, and will be there at her end. 

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Time Machines

Many of the humans own mini, metal, time machines. 

There are many miles of roads all around this planet; they're like veins carrying blood cells around a body. But, these concrete veins called 'roads' are very crowded with many time-machines.

These time machines have four wheels and transport humans from A to B much quicker than walking; therefore they are traveling into the future quicker. The time machines vary in colour, shape and size and have names like 'Mini' and 'Morris' - there was also one named after an 80s pop singer called 'Toyota.' 

Most of them release a poisonous gas into the air; I am not sure if this is some sort of protection or simply rude. I mean why would humans want to poison themselves and their planet with harmful gases?

Apparently, a hu(man) called Jeremy Clarkson is the time lord, who controls the time machines and treats them like cattle. 

Some humans pimp their time machines and spend many hours inside them, but I think these humans are either too far into the future or stuck in the past. 

I asked the time lord: Jeremy, about these people, but he told me to 'F off,' I wasn't sure what he meant by this but his perm hinted he had just travelled back from the 80s, so maybe he was tired.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

The Magic Box of Trickery

Why do the humans worship a small box called: television?

The flashing boxes are everywhere and appear to be multiplying....
I found them in many places: homes, bars, streets, train stations, shops, buses, trains, cars, and even in the humans' pockets. Some homes have a flashing box in each room, so this deity must be very important to the humans.

Everyday millions of humans sit down and worship this box of illusions. Some of them are very religious and spend all day praying; I admire this dedication to one's god. Humans also have some sort of telephone that they point at the boxes and make some sort of contact, but the big, hairy humans seem very protective of this device.

I tried to worship one of the televisions, but I was distracted by a man called Dale Winton inside the box; he appeared to be talking nonsense whilst playing with some balls with numbers on them. I am confused about why people look at this.

I went into the kitchen and I discovered a 'food television.' This was very strange as it could be opened and very kindly provided food. This was my favourite television of the day.

I will tell my planet about the box of illusions - I think it stops people thinking, but I am not sure.


Tuesday, 3 February 2009

White Stuff

The clouds are falling to pieces and landing on the ground.

For the last two days, strange white powder has been falling from the sky. I am wondering if this powder is some kind of drug, as the humans seem to be happier and more connected to each other.

I watched as people picked up this 'cloud powder,'  and then acted in strange ways. Some of them ate it, others shared it around by throwing it into the faces of strangers, but the strangest thing of all was watching people build small people with vegetable noses.

The cloud powder is probably an amphetamine as people smiled a lot, looked energized, and acted more excited than normal. Especially children, who acted hysterically and appeared to have lost their minds; I think the dosage is probably too strong for them.

Since my crash landing, this is the first time I have seen humans looking at their planet and connecting to nature. Many of them didn't go to work, even the giant ant-people in London.

I wonder why the clouds are falling to bits though?

Friday, 30 January 2009

The Credit Crunch

Is this something that the humans eat for breakfast?

Everybody is talking about the credit crunch, but when I asked somebody for this at planet Tesco, they said, "We don't stock it mate, but try aisle fourteen for cornflakes."

I decided to investigate further....

I looked in the Mirror and at the Sun for some advice and I discovered that the credit crunch is actually something that affects peoples' pockets: like a disease, it eats away at the things inside.
It seems to be very important to people that their pockets are full, so the credit crunch must be stopped.

Maybe I could use the six brand-new battleships, which have just been built for the British Navy? They cost £1'000'000'000 (one billion) each, so I guess doing something with them may stop the evil credit crunch. 

Or maybe I could ask Man City - a city full of men - to help stop the crunch. The men that live in this city seem very happy and their pockets are overflowing with anti-credit crunch remedies. One of them called 'Robin Ho,' looks like he's up for it, so I will ask him.

"Robin Ho, would you help us defeat the credit crunch with the secrets of your huge pockets?"

"I a no spik inglish."

"Cheers Robin Ho, you're my hero." 

"one a' thousand pounds please."

Okay I get it: just ask people for money, that's it! I decided to ask the people in the street for £1000, but a man with a hairy face who smelled of pigeons, and drank something called 'White Crack Juice,' told me to get off his pitch. I wondered if this was about football again and tried to make a connection with Robin Ho, but I could not. I asked the hairy face what his issue was.

He told me his issue was big and he wanted me to buy it. 

The credit crunch had attacked my pockets though.....

I will tell my planet about this disease when I return.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Ant People

Today I arrived in a place called London. 
It is full of giant ants.

I am finding it very difficult walking along the pavements; ant people rush  by me at hyper-speed, and it is similar to the experience I had when I once drifted through an asteroid field close to the planet Stonker. I have noticed that the ant people all rush into the centre of their nest around 9:00, and then all rush out at 17:00. Millions of them.

Many of them carry weapons, which look like spears, and they also have striped bodies, black cylindrical heads, and shiny black feet. I think these are called 'banker-ants,' and they act very strangely compared to the rest of the ants. They appear to do the least amount of work.

The queen must lay a lot of eggs as the ants are all very big.  She lives in the centre of the nest and is guarded by ants with huge furry heads and bright red bodies; I think that these ants may be poisonous, but I am not sure. 

I considered visiting the queen, but figured she was probably busy laying eggs.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Catching Waves and Strange Beasts

I met a man called Rad from Austria (I think) with custard colored hair, carrying an ironing board; he told me that I should try and catch some waves dude. When I asked him how I could catch some waves dude, he told me to go surfing.

Ali's Surf Cafe in London seemed a logical place to start looking for waves so I entered the premises and approached an employee.
"Hello Ali, I'd like to surf please," I said to the man behind the counter.
"My name is Gurps," he replied, "but no problem. Would you like half an hour, or an hour of surfing?" I took half an hour and paid him £1 - very cheap I thought.

There was a sign behind his head that said 'web surfing lessons,' I wondered if spiders were involved or it was something to do with webbed hands or feet? Anyway I was more interested in catching waves and regular surfing - sorry normal surfing, we're in England.

Gurps gave me a piece of paper with a code on it and told me to insert it into one of the terminals. But when I sat down I couldn't see anywhere to insert the paper. I asked the girl next to me and she looked at me with a face that looked like it had just sucked a lemon covered in moustaches. "Oh my god! Use the mouse and the keyboard donkey!"

I couldn't see a mouse or a keyboard donkey anywhere and the man from Austria hadn't mentioned any animals would be involved with surfing or catching waves - it's strange, but I expected there to be water involved.

Catching waves is probably not for an alien species like myself, but anyway I was far more interested in finding the keyboard donkey - a magical melodic animal - part instrument, part hard-working midget horse. Maybe there is an electric keyboard donkey, or even better creatures like a hippo flute or a Jack Russell harp?

I will ask the first police officer I see if they can help me find a keyboard donkey. I'm sure the police will sort me out.

Saturday, 24 January 2009

George Bush Eats Fish Food

I met a man called George Bush today.

He wasn't what I expected. I found him in a place called Doncaster, working in a pet shop. The shop was called 'Bushy Beasts and Scooby Snacks,' and inside I found many beasts trapped in small prisons.

George Bush didn't look like he used to be in charge of planet America - he was old, had long hair and ate fish food - but maybe the humans see him differently. When I asked him about his appetite for war, he told me I was getting mixed up with the 'other fella,' but I wasn't sure what he meant by this.

George Bush had a terrible reputation, even back home on my planet, he was known as being an instrument of mass destruction.
I asked George about his complete disregard for the rest of the planet and he replied, 'If you don't want a fish can you get out and stop talking cake.' I wasn't sure what he meant, but I bought a fish called 'Gold'.

It didn't taste very nice.

I will tell my planet about George Bush when I return.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Weather McDonald.

Who is this person called: Weather?

Many humans seem obsessed with this person and spend many minutes of the day talking about them. I do not think Weather is a king or queen, because every time they are mentioned the humans always curse.

They either say, 'F**king Weather' or 'Weather is sh*t,' so I am guessing this person isn't liked.

I decided to investigate further.

I waited for the small clucking beast to sing its cackling song in the morning and then sat outside the dwellings of the humans. The first human to appear was big and had no hair; he opened his door, looked up and said: 'Fu*k*ing Weather', then closed the door very hard. The next door to open was across the street. A long-haired human (woo-man) opened the door and said: 'Weathers bad!' I wondered what Weather had done, but it must have been very bad, because the woo-man then revealed a weapon of some kind; in her hand she had a large black mushroom of some sort with expanding black gills and a long trigger or handle. The woo-man appeared to be shooting something into the sky, but the weapon also acted as a shield too, as she hid beneath its silky gills.

I must say I was very confused. I am unsure, whether I can ever, figure out this 'Weather.'

Yet I felt very cold and wet watching these humans.


Wednesday, 14 January 2009

The Fall

My First Day on Earth.

On January 8th, 2009, I (Conisholme) was left behind on this strange planet after my ship collided with a giant spinning flower called 'Turbine.' 

The mother ship was low on fuel and the prices of unleaded petrol on this planet were extortionate, so due to low fuel it was agreed that the mission would be aborted, and we would return home. Before we set off, I volunteered to pick a giant flower to take back as a souvenir. 

As I reached out to touch the petals, the flower bit the mother ship and I fell to the ground. The tentacle up-linker tried to collect me, but the spinning petals disrupted the process and a stable light transportation tunnel couldn’t be sustained long enough to collect me. So I am stuck here, I guess.

Day 6

I have remained invisible since the crash. I feel scared. 

Human beings are strange creatures and seem interested in the giant flower too. I cannot understand their tongues at this stage, but I understand other parts of their language by watching their eyes, hands and also their choice of garments. Men have been standing around the flower all night wearing suits the colour of the sun. They are chained to beasts, which have four legs and wear furry jackets. The beasts seem more intelligent than the men and it feels like they sense my presence.

Other men are gathered that have flashing machines. The machines appear to be stars and they aim the stars at the flower. Maybe, this is a religion of some kind? I managed to decipher a sign today, which said, ‘centre,’ so I think that I am in the middle of something. I hope it isn’t anything dangerous.