Friday, 30 January 2009

The Credit Crunch

Is this something that the humans eat for breakfast?

Everybody is talking about the credit crunch, but when I asked somebody for this at planet Tesco, they said, "We don't stock it mate, but try aisle fourteen for cornflakes."

I decided to investigate further....

I looked in the Mirror and at the Sun for some advice and I discovered that the credit crunch is actually something that affects peoples' pockets: like a disease, it eats away at the things inside.
It seems to be very important to people that their pockets are full, so the credit crunch must be stopped.

Maybe I could use the six brand-new battleships, which have just been built for the British Navy? They cost £1'000'000'000 (one billion) each, so I guess doing something with them may stop the evil credit crunch. 

Or maybe I could ask Man City - a city full of men - to help stop the crunch. The men that live in this city seem very happy and their pockets are overflowing with anti-credit crunch remedies. One of them called 'Robin Ho,' looks like he's up for it, so I will ask him.

"Robin Ho, would you help us defeat the credit crunch with the secrets of your huge pockets?"

"I a no spik inglish."

"Cheers Robin Ho, you're my hero." 

"one a' thousand pounds please."

Okay I get it: just ask people for money, that's it! I decided to ask the people in the street for £1000, but a man with a hairy face who smelled of pigeons, and drank something called 'White Crack Juice,' told me to get off his pitch. I wondered if this was about football again and tried to make a connection with Robin Ho, but I could not. I asked the hairy face what his issue was.

He told me his issue was big and he wanted me to buy it. 

The credit crunch had attacked my pockets though.....

I will tell my planet about this disease when I return.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Ant People

Today I arrived in a place called London. 
It is full of giant ants.

I am finding it very difficult walking along the pavements; ant people rush  by me at hyper-speed, and it is similar to the experience I had when I once drifted through an asteroid field close to the planet Stonker. I have noticed that the ant people all rush into the centre of their nest around 9:00, and then all rush out at 17:00. Millions of them.

Many of them carry weapons, which look like spears, and they also have striped bodies, black cylindrical heads, and shiny black feet. I think these are called 'banker-ants,' and they act very strangely compared to the rest of the ants. They appear to do the least amount of work.

The queen must lay a lot of eggs as the ants are all very big.  She lives in the centre of the nest and is guarded by ants with huge furry heads and bright red bodies; I think that these ants may be poisonous, but I am not sure. 

I considered visiting the queen, but figured she was probably busy laying eggs.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Catching Waves and Strange Beasts

I met a man called Rad from Austria (I think) with custard colored hair, carrying an ironing board; he told me that I should try and catch some waves dude. When I asked him how I could catch some waves dude, he told me to go surfing.

Ali's Surf Cafe in London seemed a logical place to start looking for waves so I entered the premises and approached an employee.
"Hello Ali, I'd like to surf please," I said to the man behind the counter.
"My name is Gurps," he replied, "but no problem. Would you like half an hour, or an hour of surfing?" I took half an hour and paid him £1 - very cheap I thought.

There was a sign behind his head that said 'web surfing lessons,' I wondered if spiders were involved or it was something to do with webbed hands or feet? Anyway I was more interested in catching waves and regular surfing - sorry normal surfing, we're in England.

Gurps gave me a piece of paper with a code on it and told me to insert it into one of the terminals. But when I sat down I couldn't see anywhere to insert the paper. I asked the girl next to me and she looked at me with a face that looked like it had just sucked a lemon covered in moustaches. "Oh my god! Use the mouse and the keyboard donkey!"

I couldn't see a mouse or a keyboard donkey anywhere and the man from Austria hadn't mentioned any animals would be involved with surfing or catching waves - it's strange, but I expected there to be water involved.

Catching waves is probably not for an alien species like myself, but anyway I was far more interested in finding the keyboard donkey - a magical melodic animal - part instrument, part hard-working midget horse. Maybe there is an electric keyboard donkey, or even better creatures like a hippo flute or a Jack Russell harp?

I will ask the first police officer I see if they can help me find a keyboard donkey. I'm sure the police will sort me out.